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Thursday, July 10th, 2008
7:53 pm
"Look i dont know how to say this to you. But i dont want you to call me or text me. i dont want to see you ok"

UM looks like you DO know how to say it, bitch. i guess i did end up ruining his life. But his wife called me and texted me 100 times; she already knew something was going on, and i fessed up. If i was in her place i'd want to know the truth. But then again, is it really my place to give her the truth?

It was super dramatic. He was kicked out, and on his birthday no less. i felt bad, and then i got over it, but now i feel bad again. Not because i've destroyed a marriage (because it was destroyed regardless of me), but because i've added another person to my list of people who dont want to talk to me. i know that's really selfish. But i'm really selfish. And maybe it's funny, that after all these months of him using me, never saying one damn nice thing to me, that i still want him, and that i miss him.

But more than funny i guess it's sad. Really really sad.

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Tuesday, May 27th, 2008
12:25 pm
It's been so long since i logged into livejournal that i absentmindedly used my old user account this morning, and came across all the insane posts i made my freshman year of college, that i eventually furiously turned all-private when i learned people were using what i wrote against me. I couldn't help but read the ones on the first page, which, boiled down, were mostly a combination of "I Hate and/or Love Guthrie", "I love Ryan", and "Why am I so sad?" Pretty funny. I guess I've grown these past years, not grown out of ridiculous claims of love - since I still do that, probably every day - but now I don't feel I need to transcribe entire converations or relationship dances.

London's been weird. I think I'm happy, in that I still feel very comfortable here. I met with Adrian last night and it was saddeningly quiet and awkward. We really don't have anything in common. Of course, I always knew that. I just like the idea of wonderng 'what if', rather than not having to wonder at all. Another oh well i suppose. In other boy news, the old and unattractive concierge guy talked me up last night as I had to come over and ask for another roll of toilet paper (BTW what kind of maidservice will make your bed but not give you soap or enough toilet paper?)...he proceeded to ask if i was alone, if i had a boyfriend, which is already an inappropriate line of questioning i think. AND THEN! He called my room to ask if i wanted to come down for a drink. It wasn't even an alcoholic drink...i think he asked if i wanted to come down for some juice. I politely turned him down. But this is the most action i've gotten on my whole holiday!

It's 12:30 in the afternoon here and I have yet to go out into the city. The rain storm the other day gave me a nasty cold, and I've been hacking up shit nonstop...so i'm taking it easy this morning. But after this i think I'm going to go to Camden Town and maybe a couple galleries. I've already been to Covent Garden, Leicester Square, Picadilly Circus, the V&A, the Natural History Museum (briefly), and the Tate Modern - which wouldn't give me concessions even though I'm a museum staff, lame. I've eaten at Wagamamas, and Pret; i'm just waiting until tomorrow for the Curry Club at Wetherspoons.

So, on the agenda - more shopping, more art!

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Sunday, April 6th, 2008
7:24 pm
i helped my old roommate (the good one) go shopping for eyeglasses at a vintage eyeglass shop and, in addition to digging up the only pair that worked for her, found three pretty fabulous pairs for myself. i narrowed it down to the two that i could not possibly live without - at $95 a pop - but reasoned that i need to find out if i even need glasses first. i scheduled an appointment with the eye doctor in my neighborhood for Saturday, so hopefully my alter-egos as an architect and 60s secretary can go on unhindered.

My body's been out of whack for the past two days and i am exceptionally cranky about it. i really need a day off, but i'd miss not being at the Met and i don't have any sick days at the bookstore. i guess i'll have to wait until vacation.

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Monday, March 31st, 2008
9:18 pm
After buying three dresses for my birthday week, i vowed not to go shopping until i came home to California. Clearly, in my mind, this meant specifically clothes shopping, as i still dropped $100 on a new watch (even though i bought one a few months ago) and more on books. And then today i bought a sweater because it was cheap, it has a hood, and i clearly have an addiction. i don't care. i am spending my single life (and single money) on ME. Making me happy. As long as i have two jobs, work every single day, AND still manage to go to the gym at least twice a week, i am going to justify whatever i can, and whatever i want.

These days my complacency with life is countered by reading lots of books and dreaming of my vacation. i'm already emotional about returning to London so i know that when i actually get there i'm going to be a mess. It's going to be super hard to leave again, to not fulfill my childish dream of working merrily in Adrian's coffee shop for the rest of my life. Today when i treated myself to a latte i could not stop thinking about how i should learn to make all these various drinks so that i really have a shot at that job. i don't know what kind of people make it their life's goal to work in a coffee shop, but everything about the scenario seems so damn right. It wasn't my life's goal to peel price stickers off of books all day, that's for sure.

The old roommate moved out yesterday THANK GOD. Everything about her was awful. She stole the shower at 7 in the morning on the weekends, and then would go back to her room and hibernate until 10 or 11. So, really? You had to make me wait for my on-the-way-to-work shower? She never contributed to the apartment either, except for this nasty hair-catcher for the shower drain - which she was sure to pack up. Hopefully this new girl Rose will bring a more positive energy. She's a perky sorority girl, so not necessarily my type, but that's ok.

And at the same token, i realized i don't really have any friends here who are 'my type'...no one to share music with or talk about art. New York is a fucking farce man!

Hum de hum.

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Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
10:53 pm
Last night i had this dream where the ex i'm still in love with was fucking my roommate - not my current roommate, but in the dreamworld i was living with this girl i knew from high school who was just the eiptome of sex at the time. It was so upsetting that it woke me out of my sleep.

Who knew someone could also hurt you in your dreams?

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Tuesday, December 25th, 2007
9:06 pm
It's no surprise that i've been really depressed these past few weeks. i still am, but having the day off kind of worked like chicken soup. i thought today would be much harder than it turned out. i hope spending New Year's Eve and Day likewise alone wont be too terrible either.

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Monday, December 10th, 2007
9:42 pm
Happy Hannukah to me! i just bought myself a pit ticket to see the Foo Fighters at Madison Square Garden! i'm sure it'll be as fun as when i did this 4 years ago at CityWalk.

My only concern is that there is no bag check, and it's 30 degrees in February. i know i can stuff my id/money/keys/phone into my jean pockets, but i cant very well go without a jacket, and certainly don't want to wear, hold, or leave one at my feet during the show. Hmm..

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Monday, December 3rd, 2007
10:31 pm
i've done something so terrible i can't bring myself to admit it to anyone close, or even relatively anonymously (since i can't face you) via livejournal. i think i am now a bona fide bad person. i am thoroughly disgusted with how i've been behaving, and what's worse, is now i am overcome with fear that something bad will happen to me in return, since i believe in karma. i have to tell myself that i wont let it happen again, but i know i am yet to be absolved. i'm in trouble, guys.

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Monday, November 19th, 2007
8:47 pm
i'm exhausted :[

The boy who was my official boyfriend for a day called me last Friday (after 2 weeks of not speaking to me) to apologize and essentially beg to be back in my life. He wanted to talk and explain things over a dinner that was supposed to happen two days later, on Sunday. i agreed, if only to get some closure on everything (i love me some closure). Sunday came, and the boy did not - to THE DINNER HE HAD TAKEN UPON HIMSELF TO PLAN. i don't know why he chickened out, and don't even TRY to tell me that "maybe something happened". My roommate saw him at work on Monday, alive, and with all his limbs, so there's no FUCKING excuse to not show up to something that was obviously a dealbreaker. i left him a very nasty voicemail, short of tears, and then proceeded to the bar. i looked very odd i guess, in the bar alone, reading a book, so people felt bad for me and bought me drinks. The bartender befriended me too, and we're hanging out tomorrow in what could be perceived as a date ? He's a cutie with three of my favorite attributes - tall (6'4''), bearded, and with glasses.

In other boy news, my Washington Mutual booty call has been calling me every day to talk dirty and whatnot. Thursday we had the following phone conversation, however:

Cristhian: So, are you seeing anyone else?

Michelle: No, not really. You? My friend thinks that since you wont call me on your cellphone [he originally explained he doesn't have a long distance plan and can't call an 818 number] and you wont give me your number to call you back, you must be married or something.

Short pause.

Cristhian: Yeah, I am married.

And then he trails off into how he's getting a divorce that should be finalized yadda yadda yadda BUT UM, HELLO. This is information that should have been expressed before we got naked. i don't enjoy being a homewrecker, but on the other hand, i am in the mood to self-consciously engage in something that will be destructive and hurtful. My obvious qualm, of course, is that it will also be hurtful to an innocent third party.

Work is work. i was really looking forward to stability, but now that i have it i feel very trapped. i am fucking 23 years old, why do i need stability? i should be having fun, drinking, staying out late. Thursday is the one night i go out (and by "out" that means going to a classmate's apartment to watch Grey's Anatomy) and i'f i'm there past 10:30 i get super anxious. i just miss the days of school, three jobs, an internship - being scattered everywhere. Now my options are a. work and b. work.

i got my hair cut and dyed last week and i am liking it more and more everyday. i feel very rocker. Mean and unapproachable. Yes, this is exactly what i want. i also recently bought liquid eyeliner, after years of trepidation over my inability to draw a straight line with something so fluid, and now i am able to draw on the wings my pencil eyeliner failed to do. The combination of rocker hair and rocker eyes has everyone - even the 50 year old man who bought me a drink at the bar - to compare me to Amy Winehouse. BOO. That said, i like the way i look. Or my face, anyway. Going to the gym about twice a week to work on the rest.

Excited about going home. To be more precise, excited about going to all my favorite California-specific restaurants, which include:

Cheesecake Factory
Baja Fresh

i require dates to all of these locations, so grab me quick!

i am not excited about fighting with my parents, especially over my deceased cat. Whatever. i'll just stick to drinking and smoking around various L.A. locations.


p.s Regina please come down to L.A. Thank you.

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Friday, November 2nd, 2007
8:55 pm
So i got the NYU job. It's been alright. SUPER repetitive. And i think i make the guys nervous; they don't really know how to act around me or give me directions. One said i was better looking than the last guy, twice. i'll have to gauge if it's worth it when i get my first paycheck, but either way, because of tuition remission, i guess i'm in this for the long haul (who needs to be happy at work anyway?)

So now that i have my own desk and computer, and they encourage me to play music or whatever i want to pass the time, i download Kevin and Bean podcasts. Today i learned that the global average of sexual partners in one's lifetime is 7.2. Whaaatttt? i feel very unclean.

On that note, the boyfriend i thought i had is no longer. Turns out i am a horrible judge of charater and/or all men are assholes. i guess i couldn't be too devastated because i still made out the Wamu guy, who keeps calling me to torment me. It's a pleasant distraction i suppose.

i'm supposed to leave for this party in a half an hour but i don't really want to. i have a mild headache, i'm tired, and have work at the Met tomorrow (my next day off isn't until Thanksgiving). Wish me luck.

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Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
3:32 pm
After i posted last, i went to the gym and biked ten miles (go me!). And i don't know why this always happens to me - running into the last person you would ever want to see after an extendend amount of sweating. All i have to say is thank God i had a change of clothes and was wearing a dress by the time the reunion occurred.

Jason, the guy i slept with, who then disappeared, who later explained via a myspace message that he was "sorry" and that he had gotten back together with his ex girlfriend. This is who i ran into at the Goodwill next to the gym. We exchanged polite hellos and how are yous, and then i told him i was looking for a book and had to excuse myself to that section. i took a deep breath and walked away, plugged in my ipod and tried to ignore how awful i was feeling. A minute later i heard Jason's voice. He asked me if i had plans, if i wanted to join him for a walk. Because i'm an idiot (or curious) i said i would, even though i knew it'd be really painful. We spent the next 3 hours walking around Astoria and the park. i tried to ignore the pink elephant but gave in, only asking how his grifriend was. i refrained from asking how a human being could treat another this way. But, i let that one slide.

When we parted ways he gave some empty promise to hang out/catch up again, and he offered me a hug.

Why why why when you try so hard to forget a person do they come back to mess you up again?

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Monday, October 22nd, 2007
2:32 pm
i took the drug test on Friday finally and should have the results today or tomorrow. When the HR person calls to tell me if i have the job or not, i'm going to let it go to voicemail. This has been quite suspenseful, and yet, i have very limited interest in looking for alternate jobs if this falls through. But like i always say, whatever happens happens.

Highlight of my day yesterday: getting a tip that Bono and Bill Gates were coming to the museum after hours for a private tour of the Rembrandt exhibition. i waited by the side entrance and lo and behold, at about 5:40 coming from Central Park, emerged the dynamic duo. Bill Gates looked like Bill Gates, equipped with a sweatshirt tied around his waist. Bono looked shorter, pudgier, and older than he does on tv. What's even funnier was that there were about 1000 people on the Met steps watching some acrobat street dancer people and cheering them on, and they had no idea who was twenty feet away from them.

Highlight of my day today: the guy at my bagel shop accidentally put plain cream cheese instead of scallion cream cheese on my bagel. They made me a new one and let me keep the old one so I GOT A FREE BAGEL! YAY!

i'm dating a boy and i think i might be his girlfriend. It's not the WaMu guy. He's a guard - i guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. i'm a little tentative but more or less happy. It's been a while.

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Monday, October 1st, 2007
5:43 pm
i'm at Starbucks shelling out 6 bucks an hour to use their T-Mobile hotsop. i thought this shit was supposed to be free. There's an internet cafe that's cheaper, but i need to use my laptop. i got my ipod in the mail! but it wont work with my old version of itunes, so i need to download that shit pronto so that i can successfully avoid people.

Other news item one: i had my interview for the full time position in the bookstore today. The one with my direct superviser, Angelo, went pretty well...i giggled a lot and he seemed to dig it. Then i had another interview with his boss, Keith, who knows me from before but was throwing me some lame-o questions. Like what-would-you-do-if scenario questions. Those i fucking bombed. Also he said there would have to be a drug test and i think my eyes popped out of my head. i need to do some redearch. But whatever. Whatever happens happens.

Other news item two: The teller at my Washington Mutual and i have been flirting for a couple months now, and he asked for my phone number a week ago. Since then he's come by to my apartment twice on his lunch break for what seems to be like quickies. We haven't had sex, but it's heading in that direction and i need to tone it down. Why doesn't anyone want to date anymore? Ny sucks.

There's an old lady sitting next to me at Starbucks and she's moaning/grunting very annoyingly now.

Tabitha is visiting me in less than two weeks! i am so excited to have a friend here, even if it's just for the weekend. i'll take whatever i can get.

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Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
5:37 pm
Since i was fired from my job, i decided i could spend my last day there entirely on the Internet guilt-free. i think i spent ten minutes out of my 10-6 schedule doing actual work. This was made easy by the fact that my direct boss decided to go watch a taping of the View and then not return to the office.

My big boss and the other office people bought me a goodbye cake, a delicious cookie dough ice cream cake!!!, and gave me an amazon giftcard fro 50 bucks! At first i was deciding what books to buy (the top two on my list were 25 bucks each), when i saw that amazon also sells electronics. So rather than get two measley books i decided to spend that $50 to go towards a long awaited ipod with warantee. ! Music will finally return to my ears since my last ipod was stolen on the subway about a year ago.

i wish it was Wednesday so that i could watch America's Next Top Model and Gossip Girl.

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Monday, September 24th, 2007
5:33 pm - pending unemployment
Ugh transfering to the baement doesn't seem so promising anymore...i've been warned multiple times by multiple people that my would-be-new-supervisor is mean and a yeller. He doesn't care about things being right, just being done quick. When i asked him directly about the position, all he said was "What do you want to know? It's just data entry" and he looked at me blankly and it was super awkward. Then i saw him high-fiving this guy Javier, who i found out later also applied for the job.

i want to move already!

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Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
4:33 pm
i got fired from my bookstore job last week. Not because they don't like me, but because i am on a leave of absence, and they only hire student workers. Needless to say i'm pretty upset.

But when one door closes another one opens, right?

They want to keep me around so they offered me a job in the warehouse, where i'd be doing the same thing i did pretty much at LuValle. Or my boss could hook me up with a job at Barnes and Nobles - since she knows the manager there - or i could work as a waitress close to home and make a shitload in tips. What do you think? i need advice.

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Sunday, September 9th, 2007
10:03 pm
This afternoon i revisted the Met employee art show to get a better view of the work that was crowded by the reception Thursday night. On the nameplate for one piece, instead of saying the artist's name, it said, "In Memory of Damien". Next to the actual artwork was a poster-sized collage of a Met employee, Damien, whom i met about a couple months ago through a mutual guard friend. We had a couple breakfasts together before. i guess in between submitting his artwork for the show, and the actual mounting of the work, he died of diabetes. He was 35.

i just got off the phone with my dad. He was admitted to the hospital on Thursday for complications with his diabetes. He was violently throwing up for 2 days before he went in, and they ran a bunch of tests, making him spend the night. He's back at home now, but he's very weak, and cant really eat anything. He's taking some medication for it, and hopes whatever the problem was that it will go away. i don't know why i had to find about this today, 4 days after it started happening. My damn sister who's in Spain apparently knew about it because she happened to call my parents that day. i'm pretty scared.

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Monday, September 3rd, 2007
11:15 pm
i've had an insane last couple of days.

Since one of my roommates moved out, i got to move into her (much larger) bedroom. Because i half ass everything, i thought i could get my bed to the new room without disassembling it. Well it got wedged in a hallway corenr and it took about an hour of pivoting, tilting, laughing, and swearing before we got it out. After that triumph we started walking it through the wallway, on our way through the next door into the living room (my new room is on the other side of the living room). When we fot there we realized the door was about six inches less-wide than a standard door, and there was no amount of tilting that would get it through the door. We didn't have any tools, and it was 1 am by that time, so i slept on the futon.

The next day i withdrew half of my rent money (my landlord requires the rent be paid in cash). While sitting on the subway i went through my now fat wallet and decided to go through my old recepits and figure what i could throw out. Went to work, had lunch, and when i got a craving for oreos around 12:30, i looked for some change in my wallet only to realize THE ENEVELOPE WITH HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS OF RENT MONEY WAS MISSING.

i frantically searched my purse hoping it somehow fell out, but it wasn't there. Then i realized the only thing that could have happened was that i accidentally through it out with my old receipts at the subway station.

i ran over to my boss, and told him i had to go, and tried to explain what i thought had happened before i started freaking out and crying. Since i got sort of hysterical a few people came out of their offices to see what had happened, and they all told me it was ok to leave for the day.

i went to the 86th street station and saw a cop, so i asked him what time they take out the trash. He asked me why and i told him, still crying, and he sort of laughed, answering that they clean them out around 11 am, but i could try to search anyway. i didn't really think i had a choice, so i got on the train and went down to 59th, which is where i threw it out.

When i got off the train i found the ticket guy, and still crying, asked him the same thing i asked the cop. He asked me what i had thrown away, and he too laughed at me with "You threw away money??!" To which i replied, "yes by accident". "BY ACCIDENT?!" i asked him if he was going to help me or not, and he directed me to go search for a cleaning lady inside the station. As i walked away he started talking on his intercom to the guy outside his booth: "She thre away her money! Ha! By accident" ASSSSSSSHOOOOOLLEE.

When i walked in i saw a young guy cleaning out one of the trashcans. i asked him if he had done all of them and he said yes. Then i really lost it and cried uncontrollably. He asked me what was wrong, what i had thrown away, and as i answered through my sobs he felt sincerely bad for me. His young coworker friend told me not to worry and that we would find it. We walked over to the right trash can and i told him i threw it away in the morning and he kind of stopped; he thought i had just thrown it away, not 6 hours before.

He opened the trashcan and as i began to dig in he told me not to, that he had gloves and didn't want me going through there. Instead i held up a new trashbag and he emptied out the old one into it. i started crying again because the trash was pretty low and it looked as though they had already changed the bag. So he sifted through it, piece by piece, then he picked up a Target receipt.

i thought, "yeah i threw away a Target receipt this morning" and then underneath it was the envelope with money. THEN I REALLY LOST IT. i couldn't believe it. i thought it was really gone. i was sobbing uncontollably out of shock and relief i guess. The cleaning guy was so awesome he gave me hugs of support and told me i had made his day, that it felt good to help someone. i told him that HE made my day, and i asked for his address.

So i am obviously going to send a thank you card but i also want to send him a gift. Because not only did he help me find my money he was so sweet and optimistic (unlike the other assholes who just made fun of me) and supportive. What's the male equivalent for flowers? Any ideas?

Since i was crying so hard for a couple hours, i had a headache ever since. It finally went away this afternoon, which was good, since i had a lot of errands to run. My new room is coming along nicely; i even have real curtains! And by the way, i finally did get the bed out of the hallway. Well i didn't: when my roommate moved in, i offered her movers 20 bucks to take care of my problem and they obliged.

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Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
11:12 am
Last night was truly incredible. There's something aboput people visiting from home that reminds me who i am, and how happy i can be. To look around you and see six people, who were once all in L.A. hanging out and listening to music and drinking, now in New York doing the exact same thing...it's like things never changed. Somehow the world brought us all together last night, and it was beautiful.

Or maybe i'm seeing it as beautiful because i am still drunk. Man i got WASTED last night. i went to the birthright reunion, which was super awkward but there was an open bar. i knew i was supposed to meet up with Ryan somewhere in Brooklyn, and he forewarned me that Dylan was there too. Immediately i had a physical aversion and felt kind of sick, because we never left things on good or healthy terms. But by the time i made it to Brooklyn i was so drunk, and knew i looked good in my cute dress, that when i saw them i felt alright - better than alright. i know now that there are people i would feel less comfortable around than Dylan. And Dylan was like 20 pounds heavier so that felt good too HA!

Today is my first day off in what i'm guessing to be 6 weeks. But because i crashed in Brooklyn, i woke up realtively early to come home and shower. My roommate's home too! So we're going to try to clean the place up a bit and meet potential roommates. Feeling good today, feeling good.

p.s. And by the way, i decided to take the full-time job at the bookstore, and my boss at the Met is letting me work one day on the weekends. So i still get to be at the Met, meet people, hang out with my friends, flirt with the guards, and keep my employee ID! yay!

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Thursday, August 9th, 2007
11:12 pm
Insane weather of late....talking about 94 degree humidity and thunderstorms-turned-tornados. Trains were majorly fucked up, but because it was my day off, it didn't matter much if i was late. It actually didn't matter at all since i was one of 2 people in the entire building until 10:30. Everyone was screwed, and if you didn't walk the 100 blocks to work like my coworker David did, you just stayed home.

Today i was offered a full-time position at the bookstore. i'd get p;aid 33 a year AND SCHOOL WOULD BE FREE. It's a pretty sweet deal but i would have to quit the museum and that would make me very sad. And coming to the bookstore every day would not be rewarding/fulfilling. i wouldn't meet anyone or talk to anyone outside the 5 people in my office. i called my mom sort of looking for advice and it totally went over her head; to her personal happiness comes second to money/bills, and then she started bitching to me about my loans and bla bla bla

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